Words Matter: Rethinking How We Communicate

Language is one of the most powerful tools we use every day, whether it’s with our learners, our children, our colleagues, or ourselves. But communication is more than just speaking clearly or choosing the right vocabulary. It’s also about understanding how our words are received and how they shape the behaviour and emotions of others.

We often focus so much on what we are trying to say that we forget the most important part of communication: the listener.

Let’s look at a simple example. A child completes a worksheet and gets 9 out of 10. 

We might say: ✅ “Great job, you got 9 out of 10!” 

But sometimes, we follow that with: ➖ “Next time, let’s try for 10 out of 10!”

Now, depending on the child’s temperament, history, and interpretation, that second statement could go in very different directions. For some, it may fuel motivation, seen as a gentle push for improvement. For others, it may sound like the 9 wasn’t enough. That praise may instantly shift into pressure. The child might feel like the adult is subtly saying: “You could’ve done better.”

Same words. Very different impact.

This is why communication isn’t just about how we speak. It’s also about pausing to consider:

• How is this message landing?

• What is the learner hearing, not just the words, but the tone, the implication, the emotion behind it?

When we shift from “talking at” to “communicating with,” we open space for connection. We validate effort. We make room for growth without undermining what’s already been achieved.

It’s also worth noting that in clinical and educational settings, we often teach language as a functional tool such as requesting, labelling, and commenting. But language also serves a social function. It builds self-worth. It creates safety. It either opens or shuts down dialogue.

Here are a few ways to reflect on and adjust the way we use language in everyday interactions:

1. Focus on Process Over Outcome:  Instead of saying “You got 10/10!” Try: “You worked hard on each question. I could see you taking your time.” This highlights effort, which is more within the learner’s control than the score.

2. Leave Space Before Redirecting:  Celebrate the moment before moving to the next goal. Pause. Let the success land. Let them own it. Not every praise needs a “but.”

3. Be Curious About the Receiver:  Ask yourself: “How might this person hear what I’m saying?” Then consider adjusting the tone, content, or timing based on their needs and sensitivities.

4. Check for Understanding: Communication is a two-way street. Even with children, we can ask: “What do you think I meant?” or “How did that feel to hear?” It opens a dialogue and gives us insight into how our words are being received.

As behaviour analysts, educators, and parents, we know the importance of reinforcement, motivation, and shaping behaviour. But language is more than a tool for behaviour change, it’s a medium of human connection. When we are mindful of the impact our words have, we don’t just teach better, we build stronger relationships 💜